but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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