Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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