Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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