I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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