I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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