Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
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