Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
