You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
