did you get engaged???
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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