Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
