if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
