Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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