Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
