mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
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