Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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