I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
