Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
