after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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