Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
