You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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