I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
