I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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