I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
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