Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You left your phone here
Wait...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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