I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
did you just send me my own nude
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize