my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
