Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
