apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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