its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
