meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
