Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
