i was born a porn star she said
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
