and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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