who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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