i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
