Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Come see our sink grown plant.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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