This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize