i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
