It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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