I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Randomize
