Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize