I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize