My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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