Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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