So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
