I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
