It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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