I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
