I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
