This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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