I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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