we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
They should really pass out barf bags in church
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize