i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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