Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
