just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
