there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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