Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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