Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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