um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
